Wednesday, June 12, 2013

I need chaos to calm me down.

Life In Theory:
Cover yourself in prayer, stay in God's word and don't let the world rub you the wrong way, let it roll of of you like the water on feathers of a chicken.
Picture from

Life in Reality:

I sat at my desk tonight thinking about the fact that when I stand up my hips will be locked and I will be miserable for the rest of the night (due to pregnancy and back dilemmas), for the moment I decided it was worth it. I know later I will think- why do I keep doing this to myself.

Excited about my new creation for Children's Church, I shared it with my husband who was less than thrilled. I'm not sure if he was already in a bad mood or our conversation really rubbed him the wrong way...but it clearly rubbed my hormonal emotions the wrong way and rubbed the tears right out of me until I was sobbing uncontrollably.

It had been a long day, it was a draining day on me before this conversation; the kiddos had cried more or maybe my mood was less tolerant of the crying...who knows. Maybe I was wallowing in my self-pity about not having a car and that some how made me desperately want to go somewhere. Maybe I was just tired. Maybe the stress of life was just heavy on my mind today- whatever it was I suddenly felt completely lost.

I closed the door, sobbed and cried out to God that I just wasn't capable. I was too weak. I couldn't be a good mom (after all I basically shoved cookies down my kids throat every time they cried today, just so I could move past that moment). Despite my trials at church I had my husband behind me and now it seemed after our conversation that I was alone in that. I was incapable of dealing with the stress of finance. I felt desperate, alone, weak, lost and without God. How long God? I can't endure this one...I can't fix it, so what are you going to do?

I took full blame, I just felt helpless to fix it.


Then suddenly Anne the chicken literally flew past my window, a blur of feathers though my tears. A tiny dog leaped in the air after it. Does it matter that the water is rolling off the feathers, if the feathers are being torn from your flesh?

What?! I flew out the room, out the front door and immediately my flood of emotion was gone and I was in, protect my poor chickens from these crazy dogs, mode. I yelled, shooed and snatched up one of the dogs as my husband came out to see what his crazy wife was doing.

My chickens are fine, the owners were super sorry (of course standing face to face with my husband will do that to most people :). And my eyes were dry. I needed that chaos to calm me down. Yes, I said I needed that chaos to calm me down. Suddenly I wasn't quite so incapable.After all I at least saved the chickens tonight.

I came back inside, figured I'd glance at facebook and go to bed. Here's the headline I saw...
My kids don’t need a SuperMama. They need to see a Mama who needs a Super God.”

Thank God! I am no super mom, I am no super wife, I am no super Christian, I am no super accountant...
but I do have a super God!

I suppose even the fictional super man sometimes frowns and thinks- I'm not capable.

Then I laughed and thought, God will even use facebook to teach us! :)

But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6